Thought

It amazes me how our thoughts change over time. Over the past few months, I have gone through a rebirth of sorts. A...mental car crash into reality. I came out to school for a change of scenery. A change from the life that I had back home in Missouri. I had an awesome conversation with Raymond Lehnhoff tonight. The one person I felt I had a place with last summer. He never judged me. Not once. I was always welcome, regardless of the time or day. I wish I would have made more of an effort to know him more. This past weekend has been one of the best I have had in a long time. I went on a date this past Friday with an old friend from way back when. It was a huge group date. And I tell you what, there is nothing like an amazing game of lazer tag and a movie with people you enjoy being around. Anyway, I took this girl I met a long time ago. Just a random placement of people. To give some background but to keep it short, we met at an EFY three years ago in Boise, ID and we went on a "Celebration of Survival" date type thing about 3 weeks ago. Enough said.

I broke up with my girlfriend of two years two months ago. It was the hardest thing I think I ever had to do. But, I knew it had to be done. Both of us knew it had to be done. However, it has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. When I dated her, I lost sight of a lot of things. Things that were once important to me weren't anymore. I look back on it now and my thoughts on the situation were very one sided. It didn't matter what people told me or advised me, there only purpose was to make sure that we could never be happy. Well, we successfully made that unhappiness possible on our own. It was very unhealthy, but the fear of loneliness kept us together. However, as hard and as bad as things were, they made me realize so many things.

Like I already mentioned, I lost sight of a lot of things and being one type of person for so long eventually causes you to remain that type of person. After our break up, I went through a withdrawl period. Like when the body tries to get used to not having drugs. My roomates can attest to the unhappiness I went through. It was not fun and I do not wish those feelings of heartache on my worst enemies. However, things began to change once I let them.

Being a recluse never gets you anywhere in life. This was the type of person I was for about 2 weeks after our break up. Part of my wanted to go back, but the other part of me made it impossible for me to do so. However, one experience showed me that I was changing. I was gaining my life back. It was the date with that girl I mentioned. There was something that happened that night that I had not felt for a long time. I felt....comfortable. Like I was somewhere with someone that I would feel safe with. No fears, worries, temptation, or any other garbage satan likes to throw at us. It may sound so dumb but, that night we went to a volleyball game and went bowling with her roomate afterwards. However, the best part of that night was the walk from my apartment to the Smith Fieldhouse where the game was being played. We talked. Simple yet so powerful.

This past Friday was a lot of the same thing. It was weird to ask her out on a more serious date. But at the same time to, I wanted to do so so badly after the first experience. To give a bit of a poor analogy, It was like wanting a drug. A spiritual, mental high. That night, after the group date, I stayed at her apartment until 1:30 am (yes, to those who are a little surprised, 1:30 in the morning.) We "watched" Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Now, I say watched because we talked more than we watched. It was so amazing. I couldn't help but think that we only knew each other for a week at an EFY three years ago. And then, lots of phonecalls, a bit of a bowling get together last summer, and some msn chatting, for a grand total of three years later I was sitting on her couch talking to her as if, in my opinion, we had known each other forever. There were no boundries. We talked to each other and each other listened. I learned so much that night. However, I learned of a predicament that I had put myself right in the middle of.

This girl has changed my life in so many ways. They often say that you should find somebody that makes you want to be a better person. She is that sort of role model. Now yes I know I am 18 years old and I don't know anything about feelings or what I want. However, I have learned from my mistakes of the past and am going to use them now. I know what needs to be done. Now, I know that I still have my mission ahead of me and that is what I am looking towards now. But, this is something that I can't let go of. I often ask myself "Why do we still talk to each other?" The truthful answer is, I don't know. I don't know why I always had a desire to stay in touch or why I have had such a desire to get to know her better. The one thing I do know is this one truth:

I Really Like Her.

Before my previous relationship, she was there and even during our relationship, I always knew I could call her and have someone fun, energetic, and so amazingly spiritual to talk to. And now after that time in my life is over, she is still there and is still that spiritual beacon that I can look toward. Just like I was told that day in West Plains.

I apologize now if none of this makes sense. Free writing is so amazing. It allows us to write our hearts out on paper. So, look at these remarks as such. As part of my heart written on paper